Burning Sentiment: A Father’s dream, a son’s downfall

Photo Courtesy:Upliftconnect.com

Burning Sentiment: A Father’s dream, a son’s downfall 

     It was another busy day at the street. The noises of vehicles roaring across the sunbaked city of Davao, Philippines, the smog from air pollution hiding the clear blue sky of heavens,  tiny Maya birds traversing around the coiled electric wires and cemented buildings for food, and people hurrying to get to their destinations. The day is still young, the air still smells and feels fresh. But yet again, I was filled with a profound sense of disquiet as I observed the activities around me. 

    They are busy with their lives and it looked like they know their directions and some seemed happy about their lives, though maybe some are not. And somehow I feel that I belong to those who are not. Everybody, I sat behind the wheel of the Jeepney that I'm driving, I have fixed route, a goal in mind and somehow life is simple that way for me. But it's not. Once upon a time, I was one of those young people who seemed full of life, vigor and positivity. I was very expectant of the life I was supposed to live when I get older. Neither did I knew that I will end up this way. I smiled a little, a small bittersweet smile as I remembered that life used to be full of promises. Until my Father changes it all...

   To my dearest father, 

You always wanted me to become a pilot like you, right? I always loved the idea of being able to manage an airplane because I find it really cool. But the best thing was I always dreamt big dreams because you have always encouraged me to do so.

I remembered clearly, at such a young age, I can already see myself being a successful pilot when I grow up. Having a successful life and a happy family. With you on my side, I decided to follow your footsteps in becoming a pilot. More than that, I was inspired by your life story on how you started from the scratch and became a successful man because of your determination.

“Do not let them drag you down because I believe in you.” I can still remember those words as it keeps ringing inside of my head. I kept that in mind. I am Roderick Cahucom and I am the son of Pilot Cahucom. I shouldn’t fail him.

I never gave up on my dream. But you did. Not literally but you left us. You died without a warning, Father. I thought you would see me on stage, holding my diploma proudly as I wave at you and say “I did it!” But that didn’t happen. And it wouldn’t happen either.

Ever since you died, our relatives abandoned me because they do not believe in me. They say I was just wasting money and I should stop my delusions.

Since then, life had never been easy. College was hell. It was really difficult for me to catch up with some lessons though I did my best because I knew you always believed in me and I don't want to disappoint you nor fail you, my hero. In my heart, I knew that you will be always by my side to encourage, to support, to push and to motivate.

I always look up to you, Father. Even if others are trying to drag me down because I don’t have the potential and great mind like you, I tried to be strong but when the whole world is against you, I believe that’s when you crash down and break.

I could not keep up, so I stopped studying and realized I was never fit to the kind of life that I was dreaming of. I am not brilliant much less capable to become a pilot like you. I am not a great man like you and I can never be like you.

I’m sorry, I failed you. I am always a failure. Now, every day as I strive hard as a PUJ driver just to support my family, I keep looking back in time when I was still chasing my dreams. When you are still with me and when I still have the motivation to move on with life. Not just I failed in my dreams but I also failed my life. I end up being a PUJ driver instead of a pilot. It was the irony of life. 

Now, I have children on my own. I was really hoping they are not a coward like me. I wanted them to become strong just like their mother. Strong enough to chase their dreams and overcome the challenges thrown their way—something I never did. I don’t want them to live a life full of regrets that was the reason why I am encouraging them to chase their dreams no matter what.

Up until now, I still have your picture in my back pocket and my airplane model that was now gathering dusts in our cheap cabinet. The house here in Davao that you left with us is no longer mine but I still have your memories inside of my head. I have gone through the phase where I blamed myself for everything. I was now on the phase where I am trying my best to raise my children properly and prevent them from having an experience on what I did.

I still look up to you, Father. This time around, I will never give up on my kids. 

Never again.

    I smiled confidently this time as I saw my Father in my mind, smiling at me just like the old times. My life might turn out differently but this time, the lessons that I learned, I'm determined to pass it down to kids, jut like my Father did. 

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